Probably the most common complaint among couples seeking marriage counseling is that of difficult, argumentative, high-conflict, failed, and/or non-existent communication. Most partners feel that, “If I could just get them to listen to me, to understand me…” things would be better. While healthy communication is important to all relationships, generally, the problem is not our ability to communicate, but our desire and the degree with which we feel safe to do so. In their book, Safe Haven Marriage, Dr.’s Archibald Hart and Sharon Hart Morris, state that,

“Unpleasant as they are, we’ve seen that arguments are not the real culprits in putting marriages at risk of breakup. The bigger issue is whether a couple is able to stay emotionally connected or can find a way to quickly reconnect if their connection is broken…Virtually all couples silently ask each other, “Will you be a safe haven for my heart? Can I trust you to be there for me when I reach for you? Will you be emotionally available to me? Will you consider me and respond in the best interest of us both? Despite all our hardships and conflicts, do you really care about and value me?”...The qualities of a safe haven are more about “ways of being” with your spouse. These qualities mean you are someone with whom your spouse can feel safe, secure: you are someone who sees, loves, accepts, and understands your partner and vice versa. In this way understanding grows, empathy is expressed, acceptance is shared, and a willingness to grow and change arises… The building blocks that our clinical experience and research have shown to be essential to a safe haven marriage are trust, emotional availability, and sensitive responsiveness.”

As you consider your relationship with your spouse and how you may feel your patterns of communication are impacting that relationship – consider both your heart and your spouse’s heart. Are you creating a safe haven for each other emotionally? Are you each willing to hold the other’s heart with care? How are you doing with the elements of trust, emotional availability, and sensitive response in your relationship? Asking your self where the emotional disconnection is happening may lead you to other areas of focus besides communication – like caring, empathy, acceptance and forgiveness.

Now while these central emotional factors are essential to consider, it is also important to follow healthy patterns and rules in your communication, especially over difficult topics.
John Gottman, well known marital researcher and author suggests the following guidelines to promote conflict reducing conversations…

1. Take turns. Each partner gets to be the complainer for fifteen minutes.

2. Don’t give unsolicited advice. If you quickly suggest a solution to your partner’s dilemma, he or she is likely to feel that you are trivializing or dismissing the problem.

3. Show genuine interest. Don’t let your mind or eyes wander. Stay focused on your spouse. Ask questions. Make eye contact.

4. Communicate your understanding. Let your spouse know that you empathize.

5. Take your spouse’s side. Be supportive, even if you think his or her perspective is unreasonable. Your job is to say “poor baby.”

6. Express a “we against others” attitude. If your mate is feeling alone in facing some difficulty, express solidarity. Let him or her know that the two of you are in this together.

7. Express affection. Hold your mate; put an arm on his or her shoulder, say, “I love you.”

8. Validate emotions. Let your partner know that his or her feelings make sense to you.

Communication is essential, but your heart is central. Look to your heart first and then work on communicating what you feel and need all the while seeking to know, care for and protect your spouse’s heart in return.